Miami’s top news stories of 2011 – ed hardy hats

It’s July 2010, one of those beautiful Miami nights that make you want to don white linen and stunna shades, buy an eightball from a guy named Manolo, and declare nuclear war on your septum.the red lights of the Brickell skyline blink in the night like Rudolph’s testicles or Kujo’s glowing eyes. the moon hanging above looks like the one in a postcard of Miami. (Sorry, we suck at similes.)Three best buds stand atop the American Airlines Arena. They’re loudly toasting each other with swigs of Cristal.these fellows are extremely tall. Tattoos peek from their cardigans. one of them looks a lot like a velociraptor. Another constantly grabs chalk powder from his pocket and tosses it into the air. It’s an annoying habit.our heroes — let’s call them Los Tres Gigantes — are celebrating a coup. They’ve joined forces in the subtropics to rescue our beleaguered metropolis from its horrifying five-year basketball championship drought.they just wrapped up a preseason fog-machine-and-fireworks party that will clearly never be recollected as a bad idea. "That’s how we do!" yells the one we’ll call Wayne, swigging his champagne."Akron represent!" cheers the one we’ll nickname LeJohn."Take that, Voldemort!" screams the third friend, the pitiable man-child in our saga. He’s strangely obsessed with Harry Potter and, despite standing six-foot-ten, is afflicted with a disease that has left him too weak to lift a milk carton without yelping.the poor sap, whom we’ll call Chris Bosh, tries to fit in with the other two, but he can’t quite pull it off. He keeps accidentally locking himself in his Maybach, and his diamond earrings are perpetually so two months ago.But tonight, as his pals are whooping it up, Chris Bosh is determined to create a bonding experience. That’s why he had his agent’s manager’s assistant’s cousin buy him a psychotropic toad from Peru.Turning his back to his friends, Chris Bosh pulls the hapless amphibian from his sweater pocket and squeezes a few drops of psychedelic juice into the Cristal bottle.He gives Wayne and LeJohn a refill, and the trio lift their champagne glasses in the air. Chris Bosh’s eyes widen maniacally. "Bottoms up, Muggles!"Miami has been making some pretty drunken decisions for a few decades. We’ve stuffed coke up our noses, tossed sex offenders under a bridge, hung out at Churchill’s too much, smashed our piggy banks to buy more condos, and might have had sex with a dolphin at one point.But 2011 was the year we finally fell out of bed, smashed the CD alarm clock blasting Willow Smith, and moaned in pain at what the cast of Stomp was doing inside our head.we opened our gator-skin wallet and found no money but a mass of crumpled receipts. What were they for? 

Miami’s top news stories of 2011 – ed hardy hats


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