Jessica Simpson – Vapid, Vulgar – Rich

You can say that Jessica Simpson isn’t as talented as Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, the other blond pop singers who rose to fame the same time she did.

You can say she’s a prefabricated pseudo-star who’s better at being pretty than she is at singing or acting. You can say she’s kinda dumb. You can say all those things — and you’d be right. but tell it to her seven top 40 hits, her three gold albums, and the top-rated MTV reality series she starred in from 2003-2005.

Yes, Jessica Simpson is a bona fide celebrity, and she’s clever enough to market herself in a way that will sell CDs and win fans. Even if you don’t like her, chances are your 13-year-old sister does.

With her father, Joe Simpson, acting as her manager — and no, that’s not just a little creepy or anything — Simpson came on the scene in late 1999, on the heels of Spears and Aguilera. her first single, I Wanna love You Forever (we’ve never heard of it, either), hit #3 on the Billboard chart, and Simpson went on tour opening for boy band 98 Degrees. this was fitting, because just as Simpson was in third place behind Spears and Aguilera, 98 Degrees was in third place behind the Backstreet Boys and N*Sync.

Simpson appeared in a 98 Degrees music video and began dating band member Nick Lachey. after several more radio hits for her and zero more radio hits for him, Jessica and Nick were married in October 2002. Jessica declared she was still a virgin until their wedding night. Ten months later, they gave birth to their most cherished possession: an MTV reality show about their lives.

Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica premiered in August 2003 to instant ratings success. the format was simple: Cameras followed the two as they went about their normal lives, which involved Nick being smart and easy-going, and Jessica being vulgar and stupid. she talked about her bowel movements. she wondered aloud whether Chicken of the Sea brand tuna was actually chicken or tuna. Viewers couldn’t get enough.

After 41 episodes of Nick-and-Jessica shenanigans, the show ceased production. they filed for divorce in December 2005: Apparently, as hard to believe as this may be, letting cameras follow you around during the early stages of your young marriage can lead to strain in the relationship. who knew?

Nonetheless, Simpson’s career flourished. she headlined the 2005 movie version of The Dukes of Hazzard and recorded a cover of These Boots are Made for Walkin’ that won a People’s Choice Award. a regular ol’ Texas girl to the end, she also did commercials for Pizza Hut and Proactiv acne medication. Pizza and acne? great combination, but how many pizza commercials have Britney and Christina been in? That’s right, none.

Jessica is content to get by on her legendary body, pretty face and her knack for self-promotion. she doesn’t need to be the most talented singer or actress on the market. She’s got enough talent and ambition to continue being a superstar for as long as she wants. Did we say ‘legendary body?’ Forget that. As long as she doesn’t speak, she’s death.

Jessica Simpson – Vapid, Vulgar – Rich


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