Five Movies You Think Would Be Really Better Than They Are

Here are five movies you think would be really better than they are, unfortunately for the films, the scripts, the direction, and the actors, they are not.

About Schmidt – 1 Star (Terrible)

Jack Nicholson is Warren Schmidt in this movie, an actuary whose angry, miserable life is interrupted by retirement and the sudden death of his wife when he discovers his life has no real meaning, and he has no real relationships to comfort him. Nicholson (as Schmidt) stays in character in this effort, but the 2 hour 5 minute movie is really about 2 hours and 3 minutes of being angry, miserable and negative, and then a moment of redemption at the end that comes from a 6-year-old boy in Tanzania he has sponsored.

This does not get my 2-star rating as even average because it is so unredeeming. just watching this angry, negative, miserable movie for 2 hours and 3 minutes put me in a foul mood, despite the pathetic try at redemption in the end. Who wants to watch a two-hour movie and feel miserable when you are done?

This film has to be the worst film I have even seen Jack Nicholson in, and did absolutely nothing to enhance Nicholson’s image as one of the great actors of our time. unfortunately for Nicholson, he gets involved in this film which lacks a good story line, a good script and good direction (one might say, he struck out).

None of this has any affect whatsoever on Hollywood as Nicholson was tapped for a best Actor nomination (this is Jack, right?) and Kathy Bates for a best Actress in a Supporting Role nomination; neither won an Oscar. Small justice for a lousy film.

The Anchorman – 1 Star (Terrible)

Will Ferrell as a self-absorbed nightly news anchor who falls from grace. this movie is worse than bad, it is terrible beyond belief. there are a couple of laughs in it, but it is the absolute pit to watch.

Farrell will never make it as an actor of note with these kinds of roles. the female lead is Christina Applegate (yes, that Christina-Kelly Bundy-of Married With Children), who is now grown and pretty darn attractive in spite of appearing in this awful choice of a movie.

We will pray that both Ferrell and Applegate get better roles, although it looks like Ferrell is making a career out of stupid, crummy roles. he certainly has more talent than this movie shows. I would date Applegate, at least once, to see if she had more going for her than just looks; you certainly could not tell by her choice of movie roles.

Before Sunset – 1 Star (Terrible)

Before Sunset is the story of a young couple who reunite 10 years later in Paris after an original fling. there is no story line in this movie, apparently they forgot to write one. before Sunset follows the male and female leads walking around Paris and talking until they come back together.

The production in this movie not really well done (despite being in Paris), and I was not always able to hear the audio. it is filled with what are supposed to be cute lines that get very tired after awhile. if this was meant to be a movie about relationships, it failed miserably.

Cocktail – 1 Star (Terrible)

An early (1988) movie with Tom Cruise as an Irish performance bartender in Manhattan involved in booze, broads and beefcake with a smile.

After watching this movie I tried to determine which was more compelling: this movie effort or an ant walking across the sidewalk. Unable to determine which, I concluded this film was the victim of a poor script, terrible acting, lack of an interesting story line, and any meaningful message.

I guess I was looking for more than just mindless entertainment. I would not bother seeing this film again, unless, of course, you are just sappy about Tom Cruise and cannot get enough of a bad thing.

Corky Romano – 1 Star (Terrible)

A light (and I mean very light) comedy with no substance whatsoever, but funny nevertheless. Stars one of my favorite Saturday Night Live comics, Chris Kattan. it saddens me to see Chris Kattan in a movie like this after his brilliant sketches of Mango and Monkey Boy on Saturday Night Live.

So many cast members of Saturday Night Live have gone over to movies, trying to make the big bucks, and have been put into terrible movies with terrible scripts and terrible results. Christ Kattan is 1,000 times more impressive as a comedian on Saturday Night Live than Corky Romano will ever be.

I have no idea what Peter Falk was doing in this movie; he must have needed rent money.

I only bring these terrible movies to your attention so you do not get blindsided once you sit down to enjoy your movie rental of choice. my forewarning is useless, of course, should you invest in any of these films.

Copyright 2006 Ed Bagley

Five Movies You Think Would Be Really Better Than They Are

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